Sinfuldeeds porn OnlyFans

So there I was, stress-eating cold SpaghettiOs straight from the can (don't judge - my microwave died and depression meals hit different), when my OnlyFans notification popped up. Fun fact - I originally downloaded the app thinking it was some kind of smart fan controller for my overheating laptop. ANYWAY.

Y'all want to know the dumbest thing about my RMT (Real Money... something) journey? My most profitable full video was me having an existential crisis while reorganizing my sock drawer. Not even kidding. Some random Persian dude commented "this speaks to my soul" and it went viral. The internet is weird.

Here's what actually works, contrary to every "guru" out there:

• Filming with my ancient iPhone 6s (the crack in the lens creates "artistic blur")
• Posting at exactly 3:47 AM (tested this accidentally during an insomnia episode)
• Including my cat's judgmental stare in xxx-adjacent content (he's my involuntary costar)
• Narrating everything in my terrible British accent (I'm from Ohio)
• Using my grandma's vintage curtains as backdrops (sorry, Nana)

According to my extremely sketchy Excel tracking (math is hard, okay?), I somehow made $7,432 last month. Mom still thinks I'm doing "social media consulting" - technically not a lie?

Look, I never planned for any of this. My original career goal was to become a professional bagpipe player (spoiler: turns out Scotland has enough of those). Now I'm here, doing sinful deeds like responding to DMs while eating cereal for dinner and pretending I know how to do taxes.
The other day, someone paid me $50 to read their horoscope while badly playing the kazoo. The platform's algorithm apparently LOVED that. I've accidentally created a niche market for "chaotic good content with questionable production value."
Sometimes I wonder if this is all just a fever dream from that time I ate questionable gas station sushi. But the money's real, and my student loan officer stopped sending passive-aggressive emails, so... winning?

P.S. This was typed one-handed because my other hand is permanently stuck holding coffee. Send help. Or more coffee.